Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.