Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.