[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
You Might Also Like
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
I told my vodka about you.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Love is in the air fryer.