Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
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u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I identify as an antique shop.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.