Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah