Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

This is hilarious….

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.