Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

😂😂

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x