ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry