(Electricians.)
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants