(Electricians.)
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I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’m going to need a moment here.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Damn he played himself
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.