(Electricians.)
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
North and South
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.