[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
