[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Just had my nails done!
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
fourth time’s the charm
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
