Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Death certificates are our last participation award.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

🐦

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins