Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

WHY would you be happy about this?

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it