[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.