[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”