[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
how it started vs how it ended
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.