[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
🤣😂🤣
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job