Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
