Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”