Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

That’s incredible! 👌

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

So the ex texted me

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea