Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

12653.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*