Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality