[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
#math
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!