Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

me adding lol on a serious message

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.