ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
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Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Look at this
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”