Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Good lord

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t