Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

The fall of Netflix

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.