Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu