Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You Might Also Like
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.