Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

As a snake owner, I too am concerned about the recent rash of pet disappearances.

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas