Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
You Might Also Like
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”