Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
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Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
The funk soul brother
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”