Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.