Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.