Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

#parenting

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.