elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.