Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

mmm onion ringos

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”