Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
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Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
How tf did it end up there?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.