Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

🤣😂🤣

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

584.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.