Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this