Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
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*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My background check bounced.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit