Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
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God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting