Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
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A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
The fall of Netflix
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.