Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.