[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
mariah carrie
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight