Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
A Short Story.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Inside you there are two wolves
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears