Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
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I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I fixed it. For me
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Oh yeah that’s it
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it