Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

What the hell happened here.

The internet is magic sometimes.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die