Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Anime is real

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

Monday

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts