Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.