Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
