Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
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what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?