Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field