Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.