Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

.. do you even science?

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”