Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

calling in to work dehydrated

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me: