Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.