Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho