Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.