Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?