Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.