Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

This anagram machine is out of order.

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Good morning!

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.