Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

#winning

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow