Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: