Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
