Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.