Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue